Saturday, December 18, 2010

o hai



My early Christmas bitch to you.

 This is my all time most favourite Chrimble movie ever. I hold it dear. I can recite almost the entire film offhand. I hope one day you can too. Just watch it. It holds up. It is gigantic. Is is the lord. It is the state of Islam. It is your grandmas only pair of slacks. It is creamy beans on a stir fry. It is legend. Behold:


Friday, December 17, 2010

Occasional Anti-Joke


So a man walks into a paint store and asks for red paint.

The man behind the counter says, "Sorry sir, we're all out of red paint, all we have is blue."

So the customer replies,

"That's fine, I've got my bike outside."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

merry chrimbus

i havent even watched this yet, but i bet its funny

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Aaron Soarkin rulz

So sarah palin recently shot a caribou on her reality show, carved it up and ate it because there wasnt a grocery store for miles. Some people obvs were like wtf, one of them being Aaron Soarkin, and heres what he had to say (its awesome):



"Unless you've never worn leather shoes, sat upon a leather chair or eaten meat, save your condemnation."

You're right, Sarah, we'll all just go fuck ourselves now.

The snotty quote was posted by Sarah Palin on (like all the great frontier women who've come before her) her Facebook page to respond to the criticism she knew and hoped would be coming after she hunted, killed and carved up a Caribou during a segment of her truly awful reality show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, broadcast on The-Now-Hilariously-Titled Learning Channel.

I eat meat, chicken and fish, have shoes and furniture made of leather, and PETA is not ever going to put me on the cover of their brochure and for these reasons Palin thinks it's hypocritical of me to find what she did heart-stoppingly disgusting. I don't think it is, and here's why.

Like 95% of the people I know, I don't have a visceral (look it up) problem eating meat or wearing a belt. But like absolutely everybody I know, I don't relish the idea of torturing animals. I don't enjoy the fact that they're dead and I certainly don't want to volunteer to be the one to kill them and if I were picked to be the one to kill them in some kind of Lottery-from-Hell, I wouldn't do a little dance of joy while I was slicing the animal apart.

I'm able to make a distinction between you and me without feeling the least bit hypocritical. I don't watch snuff films and you make them. You weren't killing that animal for food or shelter or even fashion, you were killing it for fun. You enjoy killing animals. I can make the distinction between the two of us but I've tried and tried and for the life of me, I can't make a distinction between what you get paid to do and what Michael Vick went to prison for doing. I'm able to make the distinction with no pangs of hypocrisy even though I get happy every time one of you faux-macho shitheads accidentally shoots another one of you in the face.

So I don't think I will save my condemnation, you phony pioneer girl. (I'm in film and television, Cruella, and there was an insert close-up of your manicure while you were roughing it in God's country. I know exactly how many feet off camera your hair and make-up trailer was.)

And you didn't just do it for fun and you didn't just do it for money. That was the first moose ever murdered for political gain. You knew there'd be a protest from PETA and you knew that would be an opportunity to hate on some people, you witless bully. What a uniter you'd be — bringing the right together with the far right.

(Let me be the first to say that I abused cocaine and was arrested for it in April 2001. I want to be the first to say it so that when Palin's Army of Arrogant Assholes, bereft of any reasonable rebuttal, write it all over the internet tomorrow they will at best be the second.)

I eat meat, there are leather chairs in my office, Sarah Palin is deranged and The Learning Channel should be ashamed of itself.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Fucked up video of the year



This is why there will always be assholes in the world. Assholes beget clean souls but then raise them in a way where they think this is normal. Sure, if you grow up conscious of your choices, and you choose this as your faith and way, then cool. But when you are given no choice, especially at such a young age (this kid is like what, 1 or two?), then it's not fair. not fair.

but it's kinda cute too.

Friday, December 3, 2010