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The Ballad of David Kowalchuk

David Kowalchuk likes boys!

To trick them he offers them toys.

Even though Dave is a dirty old man,

He drives the boys home in his big white van

When they get there he tells them to 'assume the position'.

Then Dave phones his buddy Yarko Petryshyn.

Yarko comes over and puts a stop to this mess, 

And Dave tells Yarko that he's the one he loves best!

Yarko gets scared and drives off in his car.

Dave is now sad and heads out to the bar.

While there he meets an off-duty whore,

who drinks way to much and ends up on the floor.

Dave carries her home and lays her on the bed, 

And starts to make plans for the day they would wed.

Dave calls his brother Ryan and tells him to come by,

but the whore wakes up and hits Dave right in the eye.

She runs away as quick as she can,

And once again Dave is a very lonely man.

So he whips out his moisturizer and tries to have fun,

When Ryan comes in and slaps Dave on the bum!

With shock Daves bowels empty all over the place,

The stench hits Ryan like a blow to the face.

Wallowing and flailing in the putrid soup,

Ryan breathes his last breath as his mouth fills with poop

With his brother now dead and floating down the hall

Dave really has no one else to call.

So he puts on an apron and goes out for a walk,

Though he only makes it half way around the block.

Lying in the street is a dead cat (quite the catch!),

So Dave lights it afire with a well aimed match.

With interest he watches the carcass burn,

And Daves little mind begins to churn.

He glances once more at the cat, now pulpy and charred,

And heads on over to the nearby graveyard.

He wanders about and goes into a tomb,

For in it's the body he wants to exhume.

For hours and hours he pries at the lid,

Then finally the coffin begins to skid.

With a creak and a groan the casket breaks free,

And Dave stumbles up from under the debris.

As the dust clears he finds what he seeks,

After so many years the body just reeks!

With the cracking of bones Dave picks it up,

And gets it home without any trouble (what luck!)

He arranges a wonderful dinner for two,

With wine and cheese and a lovely beef stew.

Dave eats both the portions and downs all the wine,

Then lies with the corpse as their bodies intertwine.

After just a few seconds Dave gets rather excited,

When he hears a knock at the door which is quite uninvited.

The knock instantly causes his excitement to decrease,

All the more so when he finds out it's the police.

The cops walk inside and see two people dead,

And when asked Daves face goes a dark shade of red.

They take him to jail where he's locked away,

Never again to see the light of day.